Concern, fear, distress, worry, hope, and heartache. All things I have felt and experienced these past few months as we walk these last days of a loved ones life.
Diagnosed with cancer at the age of 103, we didn’t know what to expect for my grandma, whether it would take her quickly, or allow her to continue to live much as she had been. Without knowing how long it had been there, there was no way to know.
My dream was for her to make it until her 104th birthday that she might be able to be surrounded by her family one last time, that we could join in song and fellowship and fill her heart as I know it would. It would have been the perfect send off.
There have been times since her diagnosis in May where I thought this might happen, that she might make it, where I felt hope in this story. Then there were times where I didn’t even think she’d make it through the summer, which broke my heart.
Being 103 it obviously was not far from our minds that her time was running out, and we’d had a couple of scares a few years ago. At 99 she had major abdominal surgery, and at 100 a stent put in. I remember clearly the fear I felt at the thought of her not waking from these surgeries, which we had been prepared for. But she pulled through amazingly, surprising everyone.
During these past five months we have made a point of going to see her a few times, knowing each time may be the last. Each time I left grieving this loss, grieving what I thought I’d already said goodbye to.
I feel somewhat guilty for these feelings, for this grief over someone still here. She hasn’t left us yet, so why do I grieve as though she already has? But it’s okay to be experiencing these things for someone loved so dearly, for someone we have already begun our goodbyes with.
My other grandma I grieved for years before she passed really, having said goodbye to parts of her as they began to disappear with her dementia. Though she was still here she wasn’t fully. She became someone she had never been, one who was small, frail, and afraid, from being strong, sure, and wise. She was still here but was taken from us bit by bit.
All these feelings are legitimate and understandable. And though my heart shattered when I walked away from her this past weekend, knowing that this time was truly the last time I will see her alive unless there is some sort of miracle, I know it will break even more when I get that dreaded call. That when that time comes, a huge part of my life will be gone. My last remaining grandparent, my tie to so many traditions and so much history.
We break, we have hope, we grieve, and we long for the past. We long to hold them one last time again, to gaze upon their face, to tell them we love them. Knowing my last time with my grandma has likely already passed, I already mourn this loss of another time, our final in person goodbyes said.
But our final goodbye was beautiful, though heart wrenching. She slept peacefully nearly the whole time I was there holding her hand. We didn’t need to talk, I just needed to be in her presence. And I needed her to hear I loved her, I needed to know she knew, that she heard and understood. As I left the first time that day she managed an uh huh. But the second time she responded with an I love you too. This is likely the last thing we will say to each other in this world. I love you Grandma. I love you too.
It was a gift so precious it broke me. I left crying uncontrollably, mourning this loss I knew was to come. And that’s okay. And when she does leave us to join my grandpa and uncle we will grieve so deeply for this life well lived and loved.
I love you Grandma. I love you too.
Those are beautiful thoughts Sandra. A lovely afternoon with Grandma. You have managed to put into words what is a moment in time that we all share…the saying good-bye to a loved one.
Saying goodbye to a loved is never, ever easy it is meant as a test in our lives, we know we will grieve the close presence of our loved one but we will remember all the beautiful moments we had together with them as we go through our lives without them, and the cherished memories we have of them will sustain us in our good and bad times. None of us know how much time is given to us that is why we have to live life to the fullest we can, and cherish what we have with our family and friends. 103 yrs., so far have been given to your Grandma and just think Sandra of all the people she has blessed in her life with her presence and her kindness and love she has given and all the wonderful things she has seen over those 103 years. Bless you Sandra for being there for her and just holding her hand. A life well lived.
Thank you for your kind words Mrs B. Never easy, but as you said, we have many memories to sustain us